Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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