i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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