Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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