i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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