People in love make me want to vomit
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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