Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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