I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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