If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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