i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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