in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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