I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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