I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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