She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
