...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My vagina is officially offended.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize