His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
