You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm like, not good at living.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
