I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
