I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
