He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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