I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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