Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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