Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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