You can't special order awesome
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
