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weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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