my being single is dangerous.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
