help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
