ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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