I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
