phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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