My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
