would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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