My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
