Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
