look no pants
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
