you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
