Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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