Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
