I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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