Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
