Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
