hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
