well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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