You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
