i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we're making bets on your personal life
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
