I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize