Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
this boner is exhausting
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
