I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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