mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
