So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
