Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
