forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
