I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
