he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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