Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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