I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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